defining barista angst

You've witnessed barista angst before, probably without knowing it. In this age, urban centers are littered with cafes offering their caffeinated wares, and odds are, you've been in one. Maybe it was one of those ubiquitous corporate shops, or better yet an independent, locally owned one. Either way, you may have noticed a palpable tension radiating from your counter person, maybe when you ordered your half-caff, soy latte with extra froth and a shot of hazelnut. Maybe you've just observed this phenomenon while waiting to order your spartan cup of black coffee. Or maybe, just maybe, you've never noticed it before. If so, remove the Bluetooth dongle from your ear, turn off your iPhone, and take notes- you are a true instigator of this phenomenon and you need extra guidance.

This counter person, which will be known as a barista from here on out, hates your pretentious, convoluted coffee drink and resents you for ordering it. It's not that the barista hates coffee or espresso; to the contrary, he/she probably has an appreciation and knowledge of coffee that instills a strong sense of pride in making just the right drink. Then someone inculcated with Starbuck's propaganda comes in with a soul-crushing order. Couple that with the fact that baristas are often struggling this-and-thats who feel condemned to a life of servitude to the ignorant masses, then add a couple of shots of espresso to their already anxious state, and voila!, you have the complicated mental condition known as barista angst. It can manifest itself in a number of ways, from the acerbic punk rock barista who will just as soon step on a rusty nail than smile at your bitch ass, to your more repressed cases, who will give you a smile as they secretly fantasize your cold-blooded murder while stirring your low-fat mocha with a dirty spoon.

What can you do to alleviate this anti-social condition? Very little, I'm sad to say. As long as corporate chains continue to churn out insipid, sugary espresso aberrations and the public continues to chug them down, it will thrive. As long as the world possesses cynical young adults unqualified and/or unwilling to find work elsewhere, barista angst will be with us. I would suggest ordering a simple, elegant drink, like a cappuccino or a latte. The more details you add, such as syrups, shots, milk types and decaf/half-caff blends, the more barista angst you will cultivate. Add such discourtesies as yapping on your cell-phone, and your barista may snap. Episodes of full barista meltdown are rare, but they are seldom pretty. You are dealing with people usually more unstable than the froth in a dry soy cappuccino. Their hate should be harnessed as a form of alternative energy. Their hate matches or exceeds your need for caffeine.

Beware.