everything was beautiful and nothing hurts

Where to begin? Rachel is gone, Rachel is gone. For those of you outside my little corner of the world, the young, beautiful, kind and charming Rachel Ann Dow is gone. Taken by that colossal force of nature known as the Mississippi River. Thursday night, after the bars had closed and she had told her friends that she was going home, Rachel took a detour. She visited a spot by the river she often went to be alone. And for reasons we'll never truly understand, she ended up in the river.

I feel strangely detached as I write this, as though it isn't real, as if I'm making it up as I type. But I know it is true, and the past few days have been filled with a heavy grief, the kind that seems to pin you down.

I didn't know Rachel long. I remember seeing her at the CRC coffee shop months before either her or I worked there. She seemed kind, but wild. The kind of person who lived life without fear, and who loved with the same kind of courage. She was easy to befriend, and always seemed to be inviting me to come along on one adventure or another.

I don't remember her ever speaking ill of anyone. That was one of the first things about her I realized when I knew she was gone. She was one of rare people who didn't seem caught up in the negativity that seems to hold so many of us back from enjoying life for what it is worth. She seemed exempt from that kind of pettiness.

She was selfless to a fault. And I think that the fault was everyone else who was too selfish to appreciate real kindness.

She had wild hair and a zen smile. She wanted to be a teacher and would have been a great mother, as she demonstrated by the way she tended others children.

I feel like such a fool for not appreciating her more when she was here. And now I work in the same shop we met at, and worked alongside at, and learn more every day about her life. I've seen pictures of her, her family that I've never met, her friends in happier times. I see her in this coffee shop as I write this, excited about a new bike, exhausted from studying, in quiet contemplation behind the counter. It was just a week ago we discussed her plans to visit Thailand (she had just gotten her passport).

Tomorrow I will ride down to the Soo-Vac Gallery with friends and comrades we shared to say good-bye together. I hope it makes us all feel better. I hope it will be a fitting tribute to a friend I didn't get to know long enough.