"I don't want kids"

Ah, this is a political season unlike any other in recent memory. I remember the first Presidential Election that I paid detailed attention to. It was 1988 and the field was open for both sides of the aisle, just like today. I even wrote a Saturday Night Live inspired one-act play called "The Great Debate of '88" for my 6th grade class about it. The plot involved a highly improbable scenario in which all the then remaining candidates get booked into the same hotel room. I don't remember much of the dialogue, except for the fact that I had George H.W. Bush say "fiddlesticks" a lot. And that I included a controversial scene in which Gary Hart shows up to the room with some kind of loose woman.

But '88 has got nothing on '08. It has been so surreal one has to wonder if Al Queda managed to sneak enough LSD into municipal water supplies to induce mass hallucinations nation-wide. And the addition of Gov. Sarah Palin (whom I lovingly refer to as "Freakshow") as McCain's running mate has just about made me certain that we are all living in a Matrix-style world in which our robot overlords have gotten bored and are deliberately fucking with us. I mean, wow! Seriously, WTF! With less foreign policy experience than a high school student in Model UN, she is one helluva curve ball for McCain to throw at the American public. It's almost as if he's saying "Hey ladies, look, another chick to vote for! And guys, she's hot! Like, way hotter than Clinton!"

She's like the Anti-Hillary. Any Clinton supporter that votes for McCain based off of his choice of veep has a warped idealism and no idea what a Pyrrhic victory is. The most Hillary and Sarah have in common is that they both are female politicians. Other than that, Sarah Palin is a Creationism-loving, Abortion-hating ex-beauty queen with a bevy of children and a lack of political experience that makes one wonder, once again, WTF???

I love how James "The Ragin' Cajun" Carville eviscerates Minnesota State Rep. Bachmann about how indefensible it is to say that Palin was the best choice for the Republican VP:



And then there was Bristol. 5 months pregnant, 17 years old, and unmarried. I hope that when Howard Dean read about this he gave another triumphant "AHHHHHHHH!" like he was back at the '04 Iowa Caucus. The Freakshow Palin camp just become even more Springer-esque. Here is a hilarious Photoshopped tribute to Bristol:



But lo! There is more! Young Bristol's baby's daddy has been revealed! If you pictured him as a meatheaded jock, a recent Huffington Post article seems to indicate that you are correct! Levi Johnston, Bristol's fiance (remember, no single mom's allowed in the GOP!), is a normal enough 18 year old male in that he has a MySpace page. He is a self-described "fucking redneck" and "Ya fuck with me I'll kick [your] ass." And according to his MySpace page, in that wonderful bio section MySpace offers, Levi has himself listed as "I don't want kids."

Now bear in mind I still don't consider McCain done for. You can't count your chickens before they're hatched. If 2004 taught us anything, its that the American public is capable of terrible decision making. And if 2000 taught us anything, it is that the popular vote doesn't really count for shit now anyway, if Diebold, the Electoral College and the Supreme Court have anything to say about it.

That being said, November can't come fast enough...