Immaculate Misconception

Woe to you, Oh Earth and Sea, for the Devil sends His Beast with wrath... and a steaming cup of McDonald's joe.


I visit McDonald's on an annual basis. I'm smart enough to know that the food they sell is mostly food-like "food," and that it is a blight on our already blighted world, but realistic enough to know I probably eat as bad elsewhere and that, every now and again, a Big Mac tastes pretty damn good. So knowing that I can and have gone stretches of years at a time avoiding the Golden Arches, if the right set of circumstances present themselves, I will indulge in what many consider the most evil fast food in the world (sorry Morgan). And to those who may think less of me for admitting that once in a blue moon I may partake in a McNugget, I say good luck and I hope that the saddle on your High Horse doesn't chafe too much.

I found myself in the drive-thru of a McDonald's located in Twin City suburbia and saw that they now have espresso drinks. I had to know what a McCappuccino tasted like. Having worked in numerous cafes over the years, as well as spending years of my life working, studying and socializing inside of them, I knew I would be tasting something sinister in nature. I work part-time at a cafe still, CRC in South Minneapolis, and I have become pretty opinionated on my coffee. I generally disdain lattes and anything that has a longer name than a good catholic. I appreciate good, naked espresso and drinks that complement, not conceal, its flavor. So I like cappuccino, I like macchiato.

At the infamous Gates to Perdition that be the the McDonald's drive-thru, I placed my order over my girlfriend's shoulder. The voice over the intercom asked what kind of flavor I wanted added. I said no flavor addition was needed. The voice asked if I was sure. I said that I was indeed sure. I hate flavored syrups in my coffee. When Carrie ordered an Iced Coffee with a shot of caramel, the drive-thru lady sounded relieved.

When we made it to the window, the same woman who took our order and sounded concerned about my cappuccino made one last plea. She said "it's just gonna taste like coffee beans." She repeated this twice. I assured her I wanted it that way and that I took full responsibility for my decision. She relented.

So I finally got my cappuccino, and what can I say? It did have a cap of froth, although it was definitely heavy on the steamed milk. And this "coffee bean" flavor I had been warned about? Barely registered. I detected the faintest espresso flavor, but one that was devoid of the qualities that make decent espresso. I'm guessing they are using the Maxwell House equivalent of espresso, and as little as possible. It being McDonald's, they have probably genetically engineered a coffee bean that has been stripped of flavor and augmented with caffeine. But I speculate.

Bottom-line? Well, I knew what I was signing on for- a terrible cappuccino. McDonald's is simply fulfilling its role as the Great Homogenizer. Where Starbucks turned people on to sweet espresso-and-dairy based drinks, McDonald's has taken things a step further by removing all vestiges (i.e. the charm and the craft) of the cafe these drinks were born in. I'm not dissing the folks who can't tell a good cappuccino from a bad one, its just that the industrialization of the cappuccino means you're going to have something that simulates the real thing, and replaces simple ingredients with highly artificial ones. And we have yet another venue in which to pump American asses full of high fructose corn syrup and hormone-and-antibiotic riddled dairy. In other words, exactly what you'd expect from Mickey D's.

So do yourself a favor, America. Go to McDonald's for a deliciously heart-stopping, possibly e. Coli infested, Quarter Pounder and buy your coffee someplace else... And if you come to CRC to order a hazelnut-half-caff-skinny-latte-light-on-the-froth-with-an-extra-shot, you can find out how good of an actor I can be when tip money is involved.